OBSERVATORY: The HIPSTER

Now the hipster may be the opposite of a poppie, but they, too, take their time in putting together an outfit. Their most important locations include Observatory, the CBD and Woodstock. Should this appeal to you, it is non-negotiable that you appear creative and aloof at all times. But don’t let this scare you: you do not actually have to be talented. Nontheless, there’s more to this clique than simply buying an iPhone and installing Instagram. 

Hipster checklist:

  • Ball-breaking skinny jeans are an essential
  • So is a packet of roll-your-own tobacco
  • Complement this with a supply of rizzlers and filters
  • Acquaint yourself with marginal music. The Black Keys don’t quite cut it anymore.
  • Frequent the old biscuit mill 
  • Splurge at vintage sales
  • Develop a jaded anti-establishment ideology
  • But make sure you have no practical solutions
  • Read Nietszche
  • Have an entourage of privileged deviants
  • Claim to have a B.A. degree under your belt – you don’t really need to pass
  • Own a Ramones T-shirt
  • Look androgenous if you’re a male
  • Construct well-justified prejudices against commercial nightclubs
  • Deny that you know what 169 Long Street is

And you’re in. Most importantly, never look like you’re trying. But when no-one’s looking, make sure that your hair is just scruffy enough to be appealing. Don a wool cap and a leather jacket and off to Obs you go.

 

The eccentric beauty with a cigarette between her fingertips

Vanity under Table Mountain

Cape Town’s elitist sub-cultures consist of hipsters, poppies, yuppies and zef riffraff. And yes, they are all equally exclusive. I am here to map this out for you. If you’re slightly confused as to what these things are, all will be revealed, dissected and deciphered for your entertainment. Whether you smoke hand-rolled Golden Virginia in skinny jeans or listen to YMCMB on your gevaarlike 6 by 9’s, there is a place for you in the Mother City. The Mother of all Cliques: high-heeled glamour sluts, hopeful actors, aspiring models, stoned artists, young executives, proud Coloureds, BEE-opportunists – all walk a road of broken dreams longer than the N1 highway. I will merely lay out the options. If you haven’t already done so, choose your favourite brand of vanity under Table Mountain as I guide you through my sub-culture map of Cape Town.