Category Archives: Non-Fiction

CLAREMONT: The POPPIE

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The Poppie is one of my favourite species. She is likely to be discovered in Rondebosch in a tight dress and high heels on UCT’s main campus. And let it be known, that if she is your choice of clique, you are bound to a life of glamour. You will dance to David Guetta and smile at the R60 cover fee at Tiger Tiger. This is how you do it.  

Poppie checklist:

  • Own at least three wardrobes
  • Get hair-extenstions that flow all the way down to your breasts
  • Manicure those nails
  • Date a guy who studied BComm
  • Sip only on cocktails and Smirnoff Spins
  • Invest in self-tan if you’re light of shade
  • Shop at Zara
  • Read Cosmopolitan
  • Party in Claremont
  • Become an expert with a GHD
  • Preferably study a Marketing degree
  • Be familiar with the characters of Jersey Shore
  • Develop an appreciation for Justin Bieber

And there you go. Cape Town’s very own Poppie. Not hard to achieve. Just a drag to maintain.

The glamour girl in her glory days

Vanity under Table Mountain

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Cape Town’s elitist sub-cultures consist of hipsters, poppies, yuppies and zef riffraff. And yes, they are all equally exclusive. I am here to map this out for you. If you’re slightly confused as to what these things are, all will be revealed, dissected and deciphered for your entertainment. Whether you smoke hand-rolled Golden Virginia in skinny jeans or listen to YMCMB on your gevaarlike 6 by 9’s, there is a place for you in the Mother City. The Mother of all Cliques: high-heeled glamour sluts, hopeful actors, aspiring models, stoned artists, young executives, proud Coloureds, BEE-opportunists – all walk a road of broken dreams longer than the N1 highway. I will merely lay out the options. If you haven’t already done so, choose your favourite brand of vanity under Table Mountain as I guide you through my sub-culture map of Cape Town.