Cape Town’s elitist sub-cultures consist of hipsters, poppies, yuppies and zef riffraff. And yes, they are all equally exclusive. I am here to map this out for you. If you’re slightly confused as to what these things are, all will be revealed, dissected and deciphered for your entertainment. Whether you smoke hand-rolled Golden Virginia in skinny jeans or listen to YMCMB on your gevaarlike 6 by 9’s, there is a place for you in the Mother City. The Mother of all Cliques: high-heeled glamour sluts, hopeful actors, aspiring models, stoned artists, young executives, proud Coloureds, BEE-opportunists – all walk a road of broken dreams longer than the N1 highway. I will merely lay out the options. If you haven’t already done so, choose your favourite brand of vanity under Table Mountain as I guide you through my sub-culture map of Cape Town.